I am not here to drone on regarding healthy choices or share about the metabolic benefits of working out, because to be honest, I try to work out so I can look (and feel) good in a bathing suit along with when I am naked. Yes, I know it is important for my health…yadda, yadda, yadda. But, in this aspect, I am someone who has to work hard at feeling good about himself and in my own skin. I also will note, I do not think this is a unique trait; however, I most definitely will say this is a taboo topic that is not discussed enough, especially in the gay community. The important thing is to note that we should and need to embrace all body types, understand health and wellness does not look just one way, and acknowledge that we do not need to mold into the social pressures that exist.
It is one of things I struggle with most about myself; most pitfalls are in the body-centric space. “Do I look okay?”, “Should I wear a belt with these pants?”, or the always important, “Do my arms look big (in a positive way) in this shirt?” It is like there is a little voice in my head that throws these triggering questions out and spirals me into a complete mental gymnastics whirlwind. That voice’s volume varies like a traveler’s long journey of climbing almost impossible peaks and navigating the deepest of valleys.
Now, I have always been active in some regard through sports along with hitting the gym here and there. The problem is I struggle with consistency (who me?). Add in some sprinkles of trauma here and there, the spices of being the youngest sibling, a dash of social media, shallow dating apps, and omnipotent “standards” of the gay community. Bake it at a lovely 350 degrees for 18 minutes and we have ourselves a cake lacking a whole lot of zest for self-esteem. Doesn’t matter though, I’ll eat every bite.
Couple that, with how our minds can perceive things so differently than they are actually meant. Growing up, words like “thin”, “skinny”, and “slender” always had such negative connotation in my weirdly-wired brain. I was a kid that had multiple surgeries and medical hiccups along the way, which obviously contributes to some of this body insecurity. Over time, I recognize that more preferred words include “fit” and “toned”. “Soccer player’s body” is always a nice touch that scratches that brain itch quite well. The crazy part is that individuals would kill for some of the words that I actually have disdain for. I know that, but for some reason, I am built differently (both mentally and physically).
I say all this to say, how we each feel about our bodies is complex and individualized. Everyone has their own health journeys that we should prioritize in how we best see fit, whether that is through dieting, working out, medication, meditation, a combination of these, or other things that just make you feel good. Everyone also has their own triggers, whether it be certain words, external stress factors, and/or internal saboteur.
In the move back to Philly, I joined Barry’s Bootcamp. For context, I am not a promoter or influencer for them by any stretch of the imagination. Barry’s is a high-intensity interval training group workout class that consists of 50% cardio on the treadmill and 50% strength training on the floor. It’s a fitness experience with fun, curated music sets in an all red lit room and mirrors are everywhere. For instance, I have an upcoming class that is called “Mayhem Monday”, where the music will focus around Lady Gaga’s new album titled Mayhem, a pop meets 80s-groove nostalgia ode to Fame Monster paws-up kind of vibe (obviously more to come on this later). And, Hell Week is next week – which is 7 classes in 7 days. Awesome. Sounds like some of our nightmares, including mine, especially with the constant looking at yourself aspect of the room no matter where you are. Sometimes to make the nightmares worse, I mentally spiral in looking around at the shirtless guys in the class and start questioning if my body looks half as good as theirs. Yeah, that is super healthy. I know it sounds “culty” too, and okay, it is a bit. But the perks are good: they have great amenities including a smoothie bar, showers and associated bathing products, and a variety of loyalty program benefits.
That being said, it has been one of the best decisions I have made for my physical and mental health. I attribute it to the guided instructor in each class that helps you navigate the workout but also push yourself to be great, not just good. Moreover, the community that is created in those 50 minutes – there are about 25-50 other people at a given class that are also giving their all. You work to do better and have a level of accountability with the random strangers in the class. I am not saying this is unique to Barry’s, but what I am saying is that a workout that builds community and support in such a short amount of time is one worth pursuing. I still get weird constantly staring at myself in the mirror the entire class, but it is forcing me to learn to fight through my demons as opposed to avoid them. Over time in taking these classes, I have pushed through what is going on around me and been able to focus my energy into building a better me. I have been a member since September 2024, so about six months and go about four to five times a week. In the beginning, my partner would tell me that when I meet new people there I should prompt a conversation with, “Wanna catch a smoothie after class?” After about ten eyerolls from me later, I said, “No, I am not doing that.” So, now that has become a running joke with us and as I tell him how the instructors and front desk know who I am; I see many familiar faces and I am building the delicate, fragile bridges from workout class acquaintances to potential new friends. Let’s face it; while I am mentally questioning all of my body simultaneously with physically pushing myself to my stamina limits, do I have time to also find new besties? New friendships are hard enough.
For those who are new to a city or an area, those who are just trying to meet new people, or looking to expand your current hobby list or monotonous usual workout routine, I encourage a group workout class. It truly can help to begin building a community you want to create and feel yourself in. Some of my friends go to a singles running club, some use ClassPass to try a variety of different workout class setups, some do online classes through Peloton. Whatever your preference, I highly encourage this if you are in an area that has to deal with the blustering winds of winter and your seasonal depression is kicking in hard around those groundhog-seeing shadow months. For me, I am focusing on building my own self-esteem and positive body image that has constantly waxed and waned over the years. I’ll leave you all with an open invite to join me any time in the Red Room since I can bring guests with my current loyalty program status. Weird flex, I know…but would you maybe want to catch a smoothie after we take a class?
-JackofAllStories
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